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Archive for June, 2008

– My connection with the moon and the previous post

-My aha moment about grace

-Lil blips of things that I’ve been reading about (anger, sleep, praying with children)

-solstice pictures

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I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that I will always be fat. I was really depressed about it yesterday, but I really just have better things in my life to deal with than being fat. I mean, I really really want to be healthy. I truly believe that if I don’t lose some weight, then I will be diabetic in 10 years or less. Diabetes is something I REALLY don’t want to form. I have PCOS with insulin resistance. Diabetes isn’t some random fear, it’s breathing down my neck. I know how to keep my blood sugar on an even keel, and I usually do, though. But, I can’t keep trying and trying to lose weight and have nothing happen. I have other things in my life- I have a child (who I want to be healthy for), and a family to run (that I want to be around for). I don’t want to pass on body issues to Fairy Girl- but are they body issues if you really ARE obese? I don’t know.

I am embarking on another round of my weight loss game, based on the show Biggest Loser. It’s a fun accountability thing- it keeps me exercising- the last time I did it, I got some serious muscle tone, but I didn’t lose any weight. Very discouraging. So discouraging that I kind of went, “what’s the point? Fat if I do, fat if I don’t?” and quit. And I lost all my conditioning and muscle tone, and I kind of like it- it gave me energy, made me feel young again. Yes, I’m 25 and I feel like a fat old blob of a woman most of the time. I don’t feel good about my looks at all, not even a little bit. Sometimes I look in the mirror and can almost see myself under there, but it’s not easy. Anyway, the exercise was good for me, weight loss or no, so I just have to get into the habit of that again.

Another part of it is that I don’t know how to dress myself in a flattering way anymore- the last time I read about how to dress for your body type, I was a pear shape in high school. Now I’m more of an apple. I have extremely large boobs, and a large tummy. I need to learn how to dress myself again. I have More Big Girl Knits from the library right now, and there are good suggestions in the back on this subject, I’ll have to look up some of those books.

And develop healthy habits- I suppose I’ll always be working on this area. I need to remember to eat just when I’m hungry, not when I’m depressed or bored. And I need to stop when I’m just full, not when I’m stuffed. I think part of it is remembering- breaking a bad habit- and part of it is brain chemistry- there are chemicals in your body that tell your body when you’re full, and when you’re hungry, and sometimes those can be off.I found I got fuller MUCH faster, and it was easier to turn down food when I went grain free for a while. It’s REALLY hard to do that full time, though. I don’t know how to do it, and I’m having a hard time finding info on living grain free.  I’d really like to see a doctor, but I don’t have health insurance, so I’ve got to muddle through it on my own.

This is from another forum, but I want to repost it in my own blog to remind myself of the next step:

These are Susun Weed’s 6 steps of healing. I’m at step two/3 right now, getting ready to move to step 4.

0 Do Nothing
1 Collect Information
2 Engage the Energy
3 Nourish and Tonify
4 Stimulate/Sedate
5a Supplements
5b Drugs
6 Break and Enter

I can’t see how step 0 would help me right now, I’ve done that before, and it doesnt’ help with hormones, insulin, or weight loss

I think for step 1, I will journal, and write down all the stuff I know about my body, my digestion, etc. And all the remedies and ideas I’ve collected over the years, just to see what I already know.

For step 2, I’m looking into crystal help and homeopathics

Step 3, I’m really working on taking my CLO and infusions every day- a quart a day, minimum.  Diet and exercise fall into this category, but it goes without saying that this is part of losing weight, at least for me.

Step 4. Cinnamon, nettle seeds…?

Step 5. Chromium, other weight loss stuff- my mom works at GNC
5b: Metformin, other diabetes meds (I don’t have diabetes, but I will if I don’t fix this hormonal issue.)

step 6: bariatric surgery- I don’t think I’m even close to this right now.

I found this you tube helpful, but I’m still working through my feelings about it all. I suppose if I really believed I was healthy at this weight, I’d be ok with it, but deep down,  I don’t really think it’s healthy to be nearly 200 lbs when you’re just over 5 feet tall.

Still trying to come to terms with being fat for the rest of my life…

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