Back when I first posted about the fat issues I was having, I was reaching a turning point. It started at the new moon, and by the time the full moon got there, I’d made a decision and moved ahead on that path, and by the time the next new moon came, I was really over the whole fat girl thing. I didn’t want to think about it anymore, it was old news. The decision was that I wasn’t going to worry about my size anymore, because those who think poorly about me because I’m fat have no place in my life. Those who are close to me know me well enough not to care. But- that still left the issue that I feel my health is declining. Not because I’m fat, but I do think that getting fatter is connected. So, I decided to pursue health passionately, and see a naturopath. The journey to health is definitely two steps forward one step back, but as long as it’s going like that, at least there’s progress.
But, I wanted to remind myself of this page in the book I was reading “Fat Girls Guide to Life”. I didn’t find the book as a whole incredibly helpful or inspiring, but I did like this particular passage, as it relates to my fatness, my health, and other issues in my life:
“There are some friends who when they share their successes with you, you feel genuinely happy for them. And then there are those who when they share the good stuff, you feel jealous. It didn’t matter if you were in direct competition with them or not, it depended on the person sharing the news. I realized the people I was happy for were the same people who would also share the bad news with me. The jealously perpetrators only called to trumpet their success.
The ambivalent people were letting me know they were ahead of me, points-wise. They were insecure; I read into that insecurity and took it upon myself to be jealous (playing out the script). The good guys were rooting for me. I was happy for them, because I knew they’d be happy for me.
Now I see it all over the place. If someone rubs me the wrong way, I don’t immediately blame myself, I begin to wonder what’s up with her. ”
Giant lightbulb moment for me. I am always the one taking the blame for crap that happens. I was told over and over as a kid “you have to take responsibility for your own actions”- but you don’t have to take responsibility for OTHERS actions. And when people make you feel bad, IT MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY BE ABOUT YOU. Thank you, Wendy Shanker, for that. You gave me the strength to end a friendship that wasn’t working out for me. And made me *that* much more secure in myself, so I don’t do the same to other people.